Mama Be Still

When I think about all my years of becoming a Mama...…(I say becoming because I don't believe I will ever  arrive....But I can always strive.)

 When I look back and I remember little hearts just wanting to be with their Mama. Just wanting to please and be all caught up in the moment.....and me, all caught up in what really never mattered. I've schooled and hugged and disciplined. I've laughed, cried and felt fear grip my soul like nothing else has......Until I remembered the soul keeper. I've worried about what was out of my control. I've tried to take control of those little souls and mold them into what I thought they should be. But it doesn't matter what I think.....What matters most is not the handwriting, the math, the science labs. It's not trying to finish curriculum to the very last page.What matters most is their heart..... What matters most, is that I'm present.

There are moments when I exploded my hot messy self all over a situation that really was only meant for a sit down, face to face. A hug, a "What's going on?" And "Is there something that's bothering you?"  I've learned to not unload all of my selfish expectations on the ones that were created for so much more than what my tiny mind could conceive.

He has plans. He guides their paths. And me,  trying to grab the reigns and run in the opposite direction. Me, thinking I had all the answers to make the not so perfect child into a productive adult. Sometimes we just need to be still, take a step back and look at the whole picture. Usually the real reason for why things happen presents itself when we make ourselves calmly present. Instead of exploding out of control. I just need to show them Jesus...….

I'm a homeschool Mama just trying to teach my kids. but in all reality they have really been teaching me. They've taught me some of the most important lessons in life. Ones that are irreplaceable.

I've learned that it's ok to say NO to anything EXTRA that takes you away from your first calling. And saying YES to the souls under our roof is first and foremost. But serving together as a family in and outside the home is all together a growing experience.

I've learned that worry just takes up valuable space. It never helped keep anyone safe, but prayer does. I've learned that exploding in anger never fixes anything. It only pushes them away and shuts them down. I've learned to be real and admit when I'm wrong. Messing up is a part of life and you can't go on living like you're exempt from saying I'm sorry.

I've learned that what they really want is to feel safe.....No matter what age. Safe to speak their heart. Safe to be real. Safe to feel comfortable at home no matter how weird, loud or silly they want to be. Safe to tell secrets.....and know those secrets will never fall into anyone else's ears.

I've learned that this Mama journey is so much more than just being a stay at home mom. So much more than wiping noses and checking homework. It's a heart check for you and I dear Mama.....It's an in the trenches, bathed in prayer, rising up for the moment that God calls us to. To help, lead guide, direct in a manner that helps them grow but never shuts them down and crushes their soul and breaks their heart. If we, dear Mama are the ones that are supposed to make them feel safe....Then you and I need to learn to be still.

You and I need to show them Jesus...….

This Mama thing never ends.....I've watched my little man get married and now expecting a precious one of their own....I've watched my Sunshine leave the nest and Marry...And I can't wait to see them shine as they take on this life. I've graduated my butterfly and here we are watching her spread her beautiful wings. I have 3 left to go.....

Will they mess up? They sure will! Just like you and I. But ya know what? isn't that how we all learn and grow?

They all know I will always be here. Unconditionally with out a doubt to help soften the blows of this life. And all the years of worrying if I was messing up their life?...….Now I sit back and watch them live for Christ.....Guess what? The science labs never really mattered...….

I've learned to enjoy watching them do life...Even when it's hard. They still come back home to Mama.....To that safe place....Where they can just be for a while......Where they know they can tell their secrets, their fears and worries. Back to a place where they know they will always be prayed for and loved on.

When I Forget Who I Am....He Is....

Gentle as rain and powerful as the wind...That’s who He is. He’s a soft place to land and yet The Rock in which we stand. He’s peaceful like the water trickling over the stones in the creek bed. But he’s fierce and Brave like the Grizzly bear roaming the same woods. He’s tender mercies and raging storms. And yet He’s the calm after every storm...

When I forget who I am....When I fail to be His....He reminds me of who He is...When I can’t get it right He proves me wrong. Holds me up, tells me I’m the daughter of The King and to stop tripping over my crown.

I gather up my failures and lay them at His feet because only He can turn them into little jewels of wisdom. He tells me what I’ve known all along...Sometimes he starts out gentle like the rain, but when I’m being stubborn like a rebellious child He comes raging in like the Grizzly. He’s the definition of unconditional love. He shows parents what loving a child is really like......In the praiseful moments and in the disobedient ones.

He tells every star to shine. Every flower to bloom. Every bee to buzz......But He gives us the choice to LOVE....Because LOVE is not love if your made to.....He wants you to Love because you choose to. And can you just imagine if we all chose to love? Not just in the easy moments....But in the very hard ones.  The ones that make you doubt if you really can. Love when no one else will. Love the cold stone hearts. The dirty faces. The ones on the streets. The unforgivable. The rebellious. Just choose to LOVE.

I don’t deserve this tattered crown place upon my head. My actions are not always equivalent to it’s meaning and yet again He takes this crown time after time....shines it up, places those jewels of wisdom where they need to be and places it upon my head again and again. He. Is. Love. And I am ever so thankful......More than I can ever put into words. And so I adjust my crown and I choose TO LOVE......And in choosing so I become repentfull, obedient, and FORGIVEN.  I. AM. A. CHILD. OF. GOD.

Just Begin Again

Little brown eyed girl wakes up all smiles and I love yous.......There is not a day that goes by that she hasn’t hugged me several times and told me she loves me. And even in the busy moments I must pause and recognize this little fire cracker all wound up for spontaneous cart wheels. Just so that she can release the love she has all built up inside her before she explodes....

Life isn’t about getting things done. Life is about living in the moment. Seeing what’s right before you. It’s easy to get lost. You wouldn’t think it would be. You never think you’re going to get stuck in a rut....All wrapped up in a funk.  Until you find yourself in a hole you dug all on your own. We all get caught up in lists and demands. And some how priorities get confused. And all around you are piles of confusion, frustration, chaos, and feelings of failure. Sound familiar?

Friend calls the other day....Tells me “It’s good to hear your voice” Asks me “How’s life?” I laugh tell her I’m doing fine. But as she talks she seems to know there’s more to my ‘I’m just fine’....I tell her I’m stuck in rut....all wrapped up in a funk. And I have piles unwanted chaos lying in corners that I don’t even know where to begin to start.....

I know in my heart where to begin.....And she speaks the words that He already spoke. Where are you child?  And sometimes you have to hear someone else say what you already know. Sometimes you need an outside nudge. “ What are you reading” she asks....”What are you studying?”

I’ve seen 48 years of life walk in and out of open doors. Watched people live their life and make their choices. I’ve laughed and cried. Hugged what hurt and hurt what I shouldn’t have......I’ve made friends and lost them.....I’ve made bad choices and learned from them. My moments are a wide range of Lost and grace to Love and Triumph.  What I know is that although living this life is full....The only way to really be satisfied is to be fed.......His Words they comfort me in times I can’t barely move. Times I’m stuck and don’t know where to begin......He throws the life line...You just got to be willing to grab hold.

“If I’m to be honest .....Nothing. I haven’t been in a book study.....I haven’t read anything that would fuel my embarrassing little excuse for a light.” I haven’t even opened up His word........

She gives me grace....Tells me to just start. Start a book. Start with one verse. Start with one little task until it’s done. Then move on.

Don’t we all know, to just start somewhere? And so I begin again. I hung up the phone.....Opened His Life giving, begin again Word and just started......

Can I tell you I started on a pile and accomplished something. I accomplished being a loving wife. I accomplished being my kids Mama.  I accomplished being a friend. I accomplished homemade bread and a pile of laundry. I looked around at all the faces in my life that day and felt Joy.....Over Joyed that we don’t have to stay stuck. And Thankful for dear friends that just call out of the blue because my name came to mind......

You’re Never Too Broken

Gentle tugs.... Words that pull. Going through my life like it’s routine.  Are we meant to be stuck in the mundane? Are we so caught up in getting things done that we miss what we are called for? God has a way of showing up in all the off guard moments. Catching you unprepared......Knowing you knew all along, you were aware that something or someone needed your attention. But some how we think it’s easier to push the need aside. Afraid to rush in and offer a hand, a heart, an ear...Maybe someone else will rush in and help. Maybe if we ignore it, it will disappear.

Things don’t just disappear, they get buried.....And the further they are buried the more the pain grows. The more you miss the blessing. The more you stay stuck. The more the broken break apart. Hurt leads to anger. Anger leads to pain. Pain leads to illness. Illness leads to death. The death begins spiritually.

I hope for my eyes to stay open. I long for my heart to always feel empathy......Compassion is helpful, but oh to feel what others are actually going through. To feel their pain, their hurt and to have the brokenness actually move you into their lives when they need someone the most. I don’t ever want to miss that call. I don’t ever want to pass the blessing because I am stuck in my self made every day mundane routine.

Whatever you do do it with Joy as you are serving the Lord........

When the brokenness of this life cuts deep and you’re not willing to be what they need.....Then why am I here? Why are we here? A Mama’s prayer became so powerful. A phone call to let me know That miracles do happen and  fervent  prayers get answered. And sometimes when I fall short, God swoops in and picks up the broken shards that I seemed to have missed. It’s moments like this that God opens my eyes and makes me aware of how I have fallen short......And I am called to be present, aware, and to use my gift of empathy as a tool to serve.

It’s moments like this.....the ones that remind you of your very own brokenness.....your very own shattered glass. When He swooped down and picked up every last one of my broken pieces and made my life into a beautiful reminder of His unfailing Love. It’s looking back at all the moments He stepped in and placed an angel in my path. For there were definitely roads that should of led to a spiritual and physical death for me......

It’s those memories of a broken girl who went looking for acceptance in all the wrong places that leads me to love on the very girls I’m called to teach on Sunday....It’s what drives me.....And I’m thankful God rushes in and reminds me of why I am here....Thankful for a Mama’s heart who was willing to confide in me. Willing to share her story. There is always hope! There is no one that is ever too shattered that God can’t use in His beautiful mosaic! I’ve seen the miracles happen time and time again....I’m one of them.

Hurtful words, Deep hurts and Laughter

Mama comes walking in dressed in her Sunday best, I hug her neck and she smiles that smile I’ve known all my life.....The one that made me feel at peace....She asks “do I look all right?” I mean I don’t look frumpy do I?” No Mama, frumpy has never described you.....I asked her who told her she looked the way she described. “I did” she replied. I told her to stop listening to herself if she we’re going to talk that way.  I think you look beautiful! She laughs and walks into church.

Life should be so simple....But in reality, it can be gut wrenching hard. I have so many unanswered questions. So many unspoken words. And when words just fall on a blank space with out any purpose, without any action to support them, then that’s all they really are, mere words falling void.

And the times we have been brought to a place when reality hits the dirt and we are scraping the bottom to find our worth. Digging out the broken pieces of this life. Pulling the shards from the cold hard ground buried by those who have no idea how much we hurt. We need to remember to stop listening to ourselves....Stop listening to the ones who refuse to see our worth...Who refuse to see their own worth. Because unless we are speaking truth then we shouldn’t be speaking at all. Just as words can fall null and void they can build up or tear down. It’s a choice we have to make.

Mama had a broken life growing up. Words were often used to hurt. Thrown at her from those that should of been building her up. And the quiet words that went unspoken...the ones she needed to hear? They were locked up inside the one that was fighting a battle all of her own. You see, Grandma listened to her own hateful words and the words of those that had no idea how much she was hurting. She began to believe the description she had made for herself....Losing the battle and losing out on the life that she could of had with her children...

Mama? Well she she still fights small battles every now and then, (Don’t we all?) but she became victorious over the hard soul crushing moments that had begun to bury her heart piece by piece so many years ago. She became victorious through her Savior who spoke words of healing. Told her she was worth so much more than the empty spaces left null and void. She is worth more than the words that were tearing her down. In fact to Him she is a precious jewel and no matter how much dirt she became buried under He was the one that dug her out and made her shine.

My Mama loves to make people smile. Loves to hear you laugh. Laughter is what saved my mom as a child. Laughter is how she lets go of the hurt. So if you see her and she has greeted you with a pun or some small joke, it’s because she knows what it’s like to be buried by the hurt and pain of this life and she wants you to know it’s the smile that keeps you going. It’s the laughter that will help ease the pain. but most importantly she will tell you that you are worth more than the words that wound. You are worth more than the broken shards that others have thrown at you.

I’m proud to say I am her daughter. Proud to have been raised with kind words, soft hands and a warm smile. Proud that she became victorious through Christ.

So often we judge and don’t understand. We say hurtful words and speak when we should be listening. The cover of a book is just the cover......the pages are what tell the story. And as I sit here I can’t help but think that we should all be more mindful and smile at those that pass us by....You have no idea the story that is written on their pages....You may even be blessed to have a few pages written in their book....With words that heal and not hurt and the warm smile that started it all.....

Always keep the laughter in your heart. I love you Mama.....

Gentle Rain

We made a promise, her and I...... Before we even bought one flower or talked about the food. We promised we would make even the planning, part of the very best of memories in the making. Told her I would share my thoughts but, when it came down to it......It would be her that would ultimately decide how her day would be. I want her to enjoy every minute...I want to enjoy every last minute....No one enjoys a hard rain. It’s the gentle rains that make things grow.

Somehow this cute little blue eyed girl that used to put on her own “stiplicks” (Lipstick)grew up before I could take a deep breath...Seems she was rushed out the door before I could get a grip. Seems her chubby little face thinned out and she grew tall and I only had to blink once. I remember giving her baths in the sink. She was all thighs and smiles. Always happy. Always wanting to please.

And if you were to ask me years ago what I envisioned her to be when she grew up? I would of told you that she would be strong. Always holding her chin up. She would walk into a room and light up the place. She would be my Sunshine girl.....She would be the girl I always wanted to be. Confident. Loving. She would hold the light of the Son. She would be exactly what she is right now.

I get a text the other day.....” If I ever have a kid,  I’m gonna name her after you. Everliegh Jean. These are the things I think about when I’m all by myself.” I can’t even begin to tell you what that did for my heart! You always want your kids to love you....Always wanting them to stay close...And when they do, well It’s truly all God! Because if it were up to just me I would of failed miserably....Tears seem to fall so easily now, but truly they are tears of JOY. Thanking my God for the precious gift of being their Mama. 

I told her when she got that ring and she started to plan her fairytale, that if you allow God in every nook and cranny of this wedding......If God is in this with you, You will see need after need be filled. You will see the blessings come down like a steady gentle rain. And Truly the gentle rain has been so refreshing. There would be a need. We would wonder how we could get that need filled and the very next day someone would come up to us and fulfill that need with out us asking.....I believe God Has
 been a part of this from day 1. 

I look forward to the 4 weeks ahead. May the blessings fall like rain. And the memories continue to flood my mind as tears of Joy overflow my heart.....Love you Sunshine!

Be The Best Gift You Were Given

I have to say that I would rather write these words with ink...I'd rather hold a pen in my hand and make each letter visually appealing. I love the way certain letters appear on paper....Handwriting has always been something I loved to do. As a young girl I would make lists, and write poems. Tell my life on journal paper. I had my favorite pens. Still do....

I love putting words together. Making them come to life with each and every stroke of the pen. Bringing you, the reader, into my world and into my thoughts. So much so that everything you read is so vividly real that you will want to keep reading......

I believe God sends each and every one of us to earth with a gift. A gift that becomes a passion and that passion used for His Glory.

Now I'm not trying to imply that writing is my gift.....I'm more grammatically incorrect than one should be. BUT I will say it has been my passion. And if ever there were something that I could do to captivate you, the reader,  to see Christ as I see Him, I would use up this God given passion till I had not an ounce of it left.

The other day Butterfly girl asks me why I've stopped coming here. Why have I  left this place abandoned? I had no answer for her then....Truth is, I really didn't know how to tell her that my life seems all undone. And these fleeting moments touch down like whirlwinds going 90 miles an hour. I have no time to catch up. Can't seem to catch my breath. And the words don't flow when life seems so rushed.

Losing loved ones and gaining a daughter. Soon to be gaining a son. I look around it seems the people and places keep changing. I'm changing too. Middle age has crept in ever so swiftly. I have goals to be well seasoned like my Mentors. I have dreams to grow old as gracefully as the fall leaves drift in all their colorful splendor to the creek bed below. Only to end up by the bank side to rest for the long winter ahead.

I was given a gift last night by a dear friend. Little did she know how much that gift truly would mean to me. Sometimes we just need a nudge, a little reminder to keep living as though your Gift/Passion drove you to be the very best God's girl you can be. The very best Mama, the very best Writer, The very best Wife, The very Best Friend, The very Best Cow girl......What ever hat you're putting on at any given moment do it the very best you can! And it will always be enough! Beloved we are not called to be perfect. We are called to be present. We are called to be His. And when this life gets to be too much Rest in His Perfect Peace......

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Colossians 3:23-24

The gift you ask?  A beautiful Pen and Pencil set. With words to encourage me to keep writing.  A gift for just one of my "Passionate Hats" Thank you M. I love you MORE!